Pride

     For the last few weeks my mom and I have been in the middle of moving, and in that process, I have not felt all that well.  I have a condition called Chiari Malformation and it can be very debilitating.  A year ago I collapsed at church while having a seizure because of my illness.  It was the first time in years that this condition flared up and I wasn't sure at first what it was, but soon realized the culprit in all this.  I had surgery to stop the progression of Chiari back in 1998 and had difficulties for awhile, then I got "better".  I thought my days of being ill from that were over, but I was wrong.  I came back to California from Illinois, where I had lived for 14 years, to be with my mom, because she needed me to be there.  She didn't think so at first, but she soon realized differently.  I did whatever she wanted me to do and tried my best to help her out.  God wanted me to go live with her not only to help her with things around the house and yard and when we was sick, but also to show her the love of God.  I got so wrapped up in helping her with things I shouldn't have been doing and not focusing on what God wanted.

     There was a spiritual battle going on, and a battle with me sharing with her the "truth", so I gave up.  I started to believe that I wasn't there with her for the reason I thought.  My patience was almost non-existent and God wasn't working fast enough, so I thought.  Then came last year, 2011.  I went back to see my son graduate college and when I got back, my mom got very ill and had to have surgery.  I had to be the one to take care of business as usual, while she was recovering.  She got better and we both made a trip back to see my son get married.  About a week later I got a cold or flu or something, then I got migraines.  I was sick for awhile and then it happened.  I collapsed.  No one knew what was happening and it took months to see a neurologist and get tests done.  The neurologist wasn't sure at first what was happening and in the meantime I was telling every doctor about my condition.  Finally after all the tests were taken, we found I had a seizure.  I had to slow down.  I still continued to help my mom with things I shouldn't have been doing.  And I refused to look at the truth.  This wasn't going to go away.

     So now it's about a year later and I had another seizure and I wanted it to be fixed.  I already knew it couldn't be, but denied it.  I was proud in the fact that I could take on work on my own strength and continue in my denial that I needed to not do too much.  I was proud in the fact, while moving this year, that "I" could do this.  I recited "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me", but denied the fact that I wasn't the only one who could help my mom and I move.  We did have help with friends and a moving company, but my excuse for pushing myself was that I didn't want to disappoint my mom.  She had no clue as to how bad this illness could be until last week, because, again I was too proud.  Yes we can do all things...through Christ, and He does give us strength, but we as humans do have limitations and I hadn't accepted that.  "I" wanted to be there to help my mom.  "I" wanted God to heal "me".  "I" wanted answered prayers quickly in my time.  

     Proverbs 16:18
"Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall."

     And that's what happened.  I fell.  And literally.  God has shown me that I need to humble myself and to trust Him in everything.  He's shown me that things are done in His timing, not mine.  We have to realize our strengths and weaknesses and realize that God can use those for His purpose, in His time.  I practically fought with my doctor when he said there was nothing he could do but just monitor me and my medication.  "I" wanted an answer.  I did get an answer though.  Through over the course of this year, especially in the moving process, my mom is coming back to God.  God has shown Himself to her and she notices.  That is awesome!  If I would have done what I was suppose to do, it may have been a little different, easier.  Like Jonah in the Bible, I strayed and lost focus.  I wanted it all "my" way, not God's way.  

     When God calls you to do His service, do not take it upon yourself to do it.  Let Him work in His way and His timing.  Be patient and wait and be faithful.  I not only gave up on ever showing my mom the love of God, but I gave up on God showing Himself to her.  He showed Himself to me also through all of this.  When we get to a place where we think we have all the answers, we need to think again.  God is definitely in control and when we control a situation, we end up like me, falling, or like Jonah, being swallowed by a whale.

     It's good to be back, but I still don't know how many times a week I will blog, but I will leave it up to God.  God bless and just trust Him!